


Now Or Never

by slytherinwoozi



Series: hopeless fountain kingdom [4]
Category: Fifth Harmony (Band), Halsey (Musician)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, Manic Episode, Mental Health Issues, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-30
Updated: 2017-10-30
Packaged: 2019-01-26 15:33:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12560564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slytherinwoozi/pseuds/slytherinwoozi
Summary: Baby I done, done enough talkingNeed to know that you're mineBaby we done, done enough talkingGotta be right now, right now





	Now Or Never

**Author's Note:**

> This is a little bit of a sensitive one. It's angstier than the other works in this series, but it's about something very personal for me and something Ashley has spoken about many times before and I felt like it needed to be represented. I hope you enjoy it.

"I want to shave my head."  
And there it was. A bomb in their nice evening, the first they had had all to themselves in so long. Ashley wasn't even sorry, which should probably make her feel bad. Should it? It was all a little blurry now.  
"Ash..."  
"No, listen, I gotta do it."  
Lauren sat down in the large hotel bed, eyeing her with confusion, a makeup removing wipe limp in her hand as she put it down. Her eyes were smudged where she had stopped taking her eyeliner off, and it made her look so fucking hot, like a bad girl from a movie, her tight black top showing just enough of the lace under it to make Ashley feel crazy. She was straddling her before she even noticed.  
"Okay, baby, look at me," Lauren asked, a gentle hand keeping her from coming closer.  
"Don't want to. You're going to get all rational."  
She sighed in response, pretending not to hear Ashley's frustrated whimper as she tried to fight the distance between them.  
"Come here. I want you so bad."  
Ashley sat on her lap, emphasizing her point, feeling Lauren's silent reaction under her.  
"I want you," Lauren finally said, a whisper, just barely audible. "But not like this."  
"I agree. I'm overdressed," she smirked, trying to lift her own shirt and failing as Lauren held her arms down.  
"Not like this, babe."  
Ashley just didn't get it. She was there, and she belonged to Lauren, wanted her so bad it hurt. So why didn't she want her back? What was she doing wrong? Shivers ran down her spine as Lauren's hands found their place around her waist. Too gentle. She wanted pressure and bruises and to be all hers, no holding back. She needed it.  
"It's now or never, Laur. We don't know what's happening tomorrow. Damn, we don't know what's happening in the next second."  
"Tomorrow I'll be waking up to you. We'll have some glorious hotel breakfast and sing in the shower."  
"How can you be sure?"  
"I'm yours. Forever."  
"Forever is a long time."  
"I'll keep on being yours even after it."  
They finally kissed. Too light. There was so much distance between them. She wished she could just melt into Lauren, but even that wouldn't be enough.  
"I need you."  
"And I need you, Ash. I need you to take care of yourself. We're not forgetting what happened today."  
She pouted the hardest she could.  
"I could make you forget."  
"You hurt yourself, Ashley."  
Before she even noticed, her right hand was hidden inside her pocket, fist clenched as if she could make it small enough to disappear. It ached, warm blood still wet against her palm, and it was just what she needed. To feel alive.  
"That was an accident."  
"We both know it wasn't."  
"Well, fuck it. I'm over it."  
Another impatient sigh came out of Lauren's mouth just before she turned, lying Ashley down on the bed with her. The sight of those plump red lips just above hers made her weak.  
"I worry."  
"I'm no baby. You, of all people, should know."  
"I don't mean it like that. I mean it like I love you so much I can't bear to even imagine a life without you."  
"It was just a tiny cut."  
"It could have been worse. I could have been far away. Remember when you went to the hospital? I wanted to fly right back here, and I just couldn't. I don't want that to happen again. Ash, please."  
It wasn't that she didn't feel when she was having an episode. It was just that she felt too much, enough to have her mind just give up on itself. To make shitty decisions just for the sake of it. If she felt enough, fast enough, then maybe it would be all over fastly, too. But seeing Lauren like that, vulnerable and pleading, made her paralyzed. For a second, she couldn't bring herself to get over it.  
"I'm sorry."  
"You shouldn't be. Not to me. You're the one who matters the most. You need to take care of yourself because you deserve it. Not me, not the fans. You."  
"I'm not as important as you think."  
"How could you not be?"  
She desperately wanted to talk back. To say something witty and feel proud of herself and be able to laugh. She hated feeling sorry for herself. She hated feeling so small. Ashley prided herself on being big, too cocky for her own good, hips like they could move mountains and a voice like thunder. Right now, she wasn't even able to speak. How pitiful.  
"I wish you were always here."  
Pitiful and selfish as fuck.  
"I wish I was, too. I wish we could live somewhere together, somewhere tiny enough that we could never be apart."  
"Let's buy it, then."  
"One thing at a time, babe," Lauren reminded her. "You'll have to meet the parents if you wanna put a ring on it."  
"They won't like me."  
"I don't see how that could happen. They'll probably like you better than they like me."  
"I'm too much. I mean, if they see me perform, they'll think I want to steal your innocence or something."  
"Don't you?"  
She smiled at the question. Lauren had rolled over to her side, too tired to stay propped on her elbows, and her face was pressed against the mattress, the smallest blush creeping up her cheeks.  
"They don't need to know."  
"Definitely not," Lauren laughed, her face even more hidden against the bed now. "Look, I know they'll love you. I do."  
"I love you."  
She struggled to put a period on her sentence. The commas were way easier: I love you, but I'm not enough. But I'm too much. But I'm no good. But I'm scared I'll hurt you.  
"Aren't you scared?," Ashley couldn't help but ask.  
"Of what? Being the luckiest woman alive? Nah, I don't think so."  
"Of being with me. It's not right for you to babysit me after I go crazy. It's not fair. You deserve so much more."  
"I love you. I care for you because I want to, Ash. Because since you came into my life all I do is smile and daydream."  
"Soon enough, you'll get tired."  
"I'm with you, baby. Whatever happens, I'm right by your side. I won't get tired of the best thing that happened to me."  
"I can't possibly be the best thing. Come on."  
"You make me a better person. When I'm with you I'm brave."  
"You're pretty amazing by yourself."  
"Well, so are you. Together, we're America's best couple. The world's best couple."  
Hearing her talk like that, so sure of what they were, filled Halsey with something she didn't even know. Adrenaline or serotonin or oxytocin or just plain lightheadedness. Maybe it was normal to feel like that when someone so bright was so close. She could swear Lauren's smile covered the whole room in light.  
"Is that what we are, then? A couple, I mean."  
"Only if you want it," Lauren looked at the ceiling, her whole face tinted with red.  
"Of course I do."  
"Ashley Frangipane, will you be my girlfriend?"  
She nodded, suddenly way too shy to crack a joke or change the subject. Whatever this was, she wouldn't mind feeling it forever. She wanted to be as close to Lauren as she could, not just as friends with benefits, but as her lover. It felt almost too good to be true, but this time, it wasn't blurry.


End file.
